He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
