we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize