I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize