I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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