Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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