my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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