I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
