Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
