Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
