So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize