Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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