i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
