3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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