Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
