I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
