The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
