My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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