So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
