I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
