Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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