Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
