A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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