Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Everything about him screamed your future.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
