and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
