Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
