Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You smell like stripper and shame
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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