i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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