everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
