me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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