guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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