I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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