i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
