Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
