Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
