I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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