he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
