I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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