I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
