THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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