It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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