Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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