you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
