He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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