Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
