Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
