Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
