apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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