I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
