You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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