Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
