then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
