Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
