whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
