My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
