this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
