in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This baby is an asshole
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
