I am in a vortex of obligation.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
sarcasm needs its own font
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
