i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
