yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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